A few words from the audiance.

This one goes out to the A-listers, the B-listers, the no-listers, the directors, producers, cameramen, sound technicians, stuntmen, and everyone else who makes their living off the silver screen. I’m here to let you in on a little secret: while pirating movies is a crime, the ones who do it aren’t your enemies. We are something else all together.

I have been a pirate for the last 5 years. It’s really nice; I never have to buy another DVD if I don’t want to. I still do anyway, it’s not like the process is perfect, quality is still lost during the compression, and I can’t stand a grainy picture while watching a movie I love. Still, when cash is short, it’s a good way to keep me entertained.

The heart of the matter is just that: money. Let me give you a peak into my world: I am a college student. I have already committed my first born child to the US government in exchange for tuition money. I work around 12 hours a week in addition to my classes, and make a little more than eight bucks an hour. I have no scholarships, no financial aid to speak of, save my parents, who are godsends to be sure. I have a meal plan which allows me to spend maybe ten bucks a day on food, and go to a school where buying a sandwich will take half of that. My situation is pretty typical amongst most college kids, sure, there are the lucky few who get bankrolled entirely by their folks, and good for them, but for a lot of us it’s the same story.

I pirate movies because I love movies. I love watching movies, and I don’t want a trivial little thing like money get in the way of that. It’s not personal, I don’t have some deep-seeded hatred for the film industry, and I’m not trying to cheat anyone out of a paycheck. I just want to watch movies, plain and simple.

People who pirate films for profit are garbage. That is stealing in the truest sense of the word, and its despicable. Those who do it could probably get a real job if they wanted to, but opted for the easy way out. They bring shame to the game, and give the rest of us a bad name. If you want to pick on someone, stick to them, and leave us honest pirates (yes, there is such a thing) out of it. They are your enemies; we on the other hand, are quite the opposite.

Webster defines an advertisement simply as “a public notice; especially: one published in the press or broadcast over the air.” As you are no doubt aware, in order to make the public aware of a product, you need to tell them about it. Companies put ads in newspapers, put up billboards, and invent catchy jingles, among other things; all in the name of spreading the word. They shell out serious cash on advertisements, and pray to god that someone takes interest. But advertising itself is not enough, as you know. For products that cost consumers a lot of money or time, you need something more. You need people. Third parties. For the big stuff, you need real people who have bought the product to sing its praises. And thus, the professional critic is born.

Your industry has taken the final idea to heart. To get people to go see a movie: you need to advertise, and then you need a third party who’s seen the final product in its entirety to go out and tell more people. So, you release screeners to critics before the movie is released (some of which end up on my hard drive) so they can watch it and give it their stamp of approval. This brings us back to pirates.

You spend millions of dollars advertising movies, all the while keeping your fingers crossed that enough people will like your movie and you will see a return on your investment. You let people see your movie free of charge so they can tell about it later. In a monetary sense, there is absolutely no difference between professional critics and pirates, there are simply a few more of us than there are of them.

Let me tell you how we work. We see an advertisement for a movie. We download and watch said movie. We then proceed to tell our friends and family about said movie, and the conversation usually goes one of three ways:

1) “OMG THAT MOVE WAS EFFING AMAZING!!! GO SEE THAT MOVIE RIGHT NOW!!”

2) “It was ok, I’d recommend it if you like (insert genre) movies or if you like (insert actor/actress)”

3) “Wow, I am so glad I didn’t pay money to go see that.”

If we like a movie, we put it on a pedestal. If we hate a movie, we tear it to pieces. If I am not mistaken, that is the job description for a professional movie critic, is it not?

But we are not professionals; we are your loyal customers. We are the people who bring popcorn and soda to a movie instead of a clipboard and pen. And herein lies the appeal of having our blessing: A positive movie review means more coming from your good friend X as opposed to a writer from Rolling Stone. We tell our friends, our friends tell their friends, etc.

You’re right, the same thing happens when someone reads a movie review, and to a much greater extent. Because we operate on a small scale, we reach people on a small scale. Still, it’s more money in your pocket if the movie is good, or another nail in your coffin if the movie blows.

And to be blatantly honest, we do not have an incredible impact on your gross income. As I mentioned earlier, the compression process is far from perfect, and if we are eager to see a movie, we will go to the theater and see it legally, instead of downloading a grainy cam version. Sometimes we do get our hands on screeners, which we of course watch, tell about, and give to those interested. By way of an example, I was able to get my hands on a screener copy of The Dark Knight before the movie left the theater. It was a very good file, and I of course gave it to four or five of my friends for their viewing pleasure. Of course, if I got it, it must mean that many others like me must have it too, and they must have distributed it accordingly. But that didn’t change the fact that The Dark Knight grossed well over $400 million in the box office. My heart bleeds for the taco you did not get to buy.

If our actions do end up taking a legitimate bite out of someone’s paycheck, it must mean that the film in question didn’t make a lot of money. This must mean one of two things: First, maybe the movie in question didn’t get picked up by many theaters. Maybe it wasn’t a very large production, maybe it was an independent film from a small studio, or maybe it was a good movie with a very narrow range of appeal. The second option is much more cut and dry: the movie didn’t make a lot of money because it was crap.

To the former: Though I will not apologize for my ways, it was not my intent to make your life more difficult. If it’s any consolation, small films like yours are much easier to find in theaters and on DVD than they are on the internet. For me personally, I don’t download smaller films for exactly this reason.

To the latter: The solution to your problem is quite simple: Don’t make bad movies. If an average consumer knows a bad movie when they see one, shouldn’t professionals such as yourselves? I have no sympathy for you. Some movies shouldn’t have made it past the screenplay, and it’s your own damn fault if you decided to pour big money into a project you knew deep down wasn’t going to end well.

It is time for you to move away from your vehement hatred of us and accept the simple truth: we are not going to disappear. You can fuss, you can pout, you can even arrest and fine some of us; when there is only an infinitesimal chance of official repercussion, we don’t worry about getting caught. No genie is going to pop out of a magic lamp and roll back the clock to the days before Napster, Kazaa, and Bittorrent. It is time for you do adapt to your new surroundings. We are only your enemies because you have made us your enemies, not the other way around. The benefits of our friendship are numerous, and it will be readily given if you but ask for it. The ball is in your court now.